Breaking & Entering

Day drinking rarely leads to anything prosperous or productive. This day was to be no different. You know those days where you wake up, and the sun is shining, and you're like 'I would like to go out and have a drink today, enjoy the sunshine?' But then one drink leads into 1200? Derek and I had randomly hooked up through the years. We had been best friends for years and years, had even lived together for awhile, but never took that fateful leap into a relationship. As he described it best, "If I would drink and light myself on fire and then run down the street, I would look behind me, and there you would be, lighting yourself on fire and trying to catch up to me." We had been friends for years, since Enterprise, and I had known his roommate Mikey since college. We met up during the afternoon, and I caught him during a recent breakup from his girlfriend, a weak moment for him, and we hung out for the rest of the day. Some of his fraternity brothers had joined us at their house, and we left for 2nd Street. There was a point when I was at Legends, a local sports bar, where I had two glasses of house chardonnay in my hands, and someone had ordered me a third glass, where I looked at Derek like 'I can't do this any more hoss.' Derek and Mikey took me outside and got a cab for the 1/8 block to my house (I was that bad that I couldn't even walk. Someone called my name from down the street. To this day I still don't know who it was, but Mikey shoved my head into the cab, and we went to my apartment). When the cab dropped us off, I told Derek and Mikey that all they had to do was pop the screen to my window off. I had done it a million times before. I often left my windows open for this reason. So Mikey popped off the window screen, and Derek jumped in...and then a woman screamed into the darkness. The details are fuzzy, but this is what Derek and Mikey rehashed to me: we broke into the wrong apartment (they all look alike in my defense). The lady turned on the lights, told Derek that she had kids sleeping in the other room and asked what he was doing in her apartment, and then opened the door to find Mikey holding her screen window and me passed out in her bushes. I know that not all stories can be as whimsical and dreamlike as that, but if we learned anything from this story it is that you should sleep with your windows closed.

Amber Alert 90210 style

It's not every day that you meet a 24 year old...that wants to date you...while you are 35 and on the brink of having non-child producing eggs. I do stand-up comedy intermittently, and one of the times that I went to the Gaslamp in Long Beach to do a show, I met little Timmy Appelbaum. He's a huge talent, and I hope that he gets very big. In more ways than one. He's only 5'6 and has the appetite of an Olsen. However, he is very funny and charming and very very 24. When I first met him, he was drinking a Bud Light, and we told funny stories back and forth. We were waiting for our show to go on. He was to go on  first, the bullet, and I was to be #6 out of 9. He had a very funny set, and I rambled through mine. Not that mine was bad, but in all of the hype and adrenaline, you don't really remember what you said. At least that has been my experience. So we exchanged numbers at the end of the show, and he ended up coming down that weekend for the Grand Prix. Apparently he was in a car accident the Friday night before he was supposed to come down to Long Beach, but he was gentleman enough to take the Metro (aka public transportation which deserves a hand job at the very least considering that it was public transportation). Our day went smoothly and we ended up making out after a sexually arousing game of shuffleboard at Acapulco Inn, but the day ended with me insisting on garlic knots and pizza, and falling down the entire 1/4 mile length of 2nd Street on my way to get home. We did not end up having sex, but as I am true to form, I woke up with different pants on but the complete top and hat I was wearing the day before. As he is the only white person I know that lives in Korea town, I said that I would take him home on my way to the Staples Center the next day for the Lakers game. Our ride home was an interesting one. He told me that he was going to move to Washington DC, and when I asked why, assuming that it was for a work promotion or opportunity, he said it was just because. Ahh, that's right. You are 24. That's what you do when you are 24. You move places just because. He said that these plans were probably on hold since the money that he had saved up at Chili's as a waiter was just enough to tide him over on people's couches until he made it big, but if not, then he would have to go to law school. However he had not told his friends that he was not moving, so when his friends texted him that they wanted to take him to lunch before he left, he did not defer, preferring the free lunch before he left. He texted one of his friends, saying 'do you want to rap?' His friend answered 'rape?' He said 'no, like the black people do.' His friend wrote 'Either way.' Again, the 24 year old mind works in mysterious ways. The entire time that I was driving him back home, I kept peeking out my windshield at the lit up traffic signs on the 405, praying that there would not be an Amber Alert for a gray Toyota Matrix as I drove him home. As I dropped him off and we said our good-byes, I leaned  forward to hug him and swore I still smelled the baby powdered head that are often associated with newborn infants.