Meeting Jay Mohr

I can’t remember the exact way that I met comedian Jay Mohr, but I do know that it started through a series of random MySpace messages. Other than some of the cast from the Real World, I had never gotten any sort of celebrity to correspond with me. Jay Mohr was down to earth and funny, and we were pen pals for a couple of months. He was doing stand up at the Irvine Improv so he was renting a place close by in Sunset Beach. I talked about the lameness of Jane Austin’s Mafia! (which he was in), and he talked about how awesome it was to watch if you were stoned. I’m sure at some point, after a few cocktails, I sunk low enough to make some obscure Bob Sugar reference. I told him that I had seen him perform at the Improv, and he told me that if I go again, I should find him and introduce myself, that he usually hangs out in the back of the theatre between comics. That’s right…eat your heart out, Nikki Cox! He’s my man now! I was so sure of it, I called my dad after a row of beer bongs at a friend’s house on Father’s Day (sadly it was 9am and we were still up partying from the night before). I let him know that Jay Mohr was about to be his son-in-law, and he gave me one of his usual “OK. Well that’s great Sapphire,” brush off remarks. Since I am sure that I was slurring my words anyway, there is no way that he couldn’t have been more proud of his only daughter at that point. And nothing says ‘Happy Father’s Day, you raised your children well’ quite like a drunk dial from one of the aforementioned children during breakfast.
So the stage was set to begin my torrid love affair with Jay Mohr. But I couldn’t go alone. No, I needed a wing man. All of my girlfriends were gorgeous so I couldn’t risk the chance that he would pick one of them over me. So I chose my friend Brian, we bought tix, and the stage was set.
To prepare Jay for the big day, I sent him a message that went a little something like this:
“Show Me the Irvine Improv Tickkkkkkkkeeettttttttssssssss! (Yes, I still snuck in a Jerry Maguire reference when I could). So I’m going to watch your act on Thursday night with my friend Brian. Since I am sure that you will have a big entourage, I must let you know that Brian is a Make-A-Wish kid, and watching you live will be a dream come true. So make sure that your bodyguards know to let us into the VIP area. Thanks, Sapphire”
At this stage in my life I was on a very strict diet of Chardonnay and Taquitos so I was overweight, and I had just had the worst long hair extentions ever sewn in so I was a walking hot mess. But alcohol will make you do funny things so of course I didn’t think that I was a hot mess…unless that was in a good way.
So the big night came and I went to pick up my friend Brian, who is hands down, one of the funniest guys on the planet, and who will roll with any situation. We went to the Irvine Spectrum, and got seated somewhere in the middle of the crowd. I immediately ordered a glass of wine to chase down…well, the bottle of wine I drank before coming. I glanced in the corner. Bitch! Nikki Cox and the rest of Jay’s VIP entourage sat back there drinking fabulous mixed drinks and laughing without a care in the world. Don’t worry, Ms. Cox, your days at that VIP table are numbered.
The show began with my boyfriend’s monologue, and then when the first comedian came onto the stage, I excused myself to go to the bathroom. I had to step over Brian, who was seated on the aisle seat. I went to the bathroom, searching through the lobby leisurely as if I was fascinated by the former comedians who had graced the stages of the Irvine Improv. No Jay. I went to the bathroom and washed my hands for lack of anything else to do. I headed back to my seat to wait for the next comedian. When he came on and Jay had ran to the back of the theater, I again excused myself and hurried out. Still no Jay. I scrubbed up like a surgeon again, and headed to my seat. Finally, the final act was on. I was running out of time to meet my future ex-husband. I excused myself for a third time when an annoyed Brian muttered “will you just go suck his dick already?” The couple across from us, whom we had been laughing and cutting up with all night, gave us an uncomfortable look. To save the last shred of dignity that I had, I shot Brian a “I’m a lady, and I’ve never been talked to that way before!” look. Then I excused myself to look for Jay so that I could give him a blowjob. Still not finding him in the hall, I went outside dejectedly, not caring that the glass door hit the rear wall when I threw it open, and not caring that I might get lung cancer one day from the back to back cigarettes I puffed on on the apron. Finally I made myself go back inside so that I could get Brian, and then go home to write to my 8th grade diary and to cry myself to sleep. I hadn’t been this heart broken since I was certain, absolutely certain, that I would fall in love with, marry, and have 5 kids with (4 natural and 1 adopted) Kirk Cameron. And that was when I ran into my Jay Mohr in the hallway.
Sapphire: Jay!
Jay: (blank stare)
Sapphire: Jay! It’s me…Sapphire…(how do I describe myself? Soul mate seemed a bit much upon a first meeting)…I’m your MySpace friend.
Jay gave me a hug, then stepped back to do a once over. Apparently my cargo pants, flip flops, fat rolls, and bad hair extentions didn’t have a huge impact on him because he looked at me like a kid sister.
We shot the shit for a minute (I told him that I had brought my mom to one of his shows, and that she was from the Midwest, and did not get his humor when he talked about buttholes and the like) before he grabbed my beefy upper arms, gave them a squeeze, and said: I have to go close the show!
I walked back into the theater as if on a cloud, and talked to one of the earlier comedians, who had posted himself along the upper stairs’ railing. He looked at me oddly and said “Your MySpace friend? That is so gay.”
Obviously this joker was oblivious to the love that Jay and I shared. We started small talk about how we were both from Illinois, and as I often do during celebrity-ish moments I began an awkward rendition of the Super Bowl Shuffle made famous in the 80’s.
Just then the lights came on, and I saw Brian coming up the stairs.
Brian: Did you finally see him?
Sapphire: Yes. Want me to introduce you? (Somehow I had a new glass of wine in my hand. If it didn’t materialize out of thin air, then I must have picked it up off of one of the nearby tables when someone wasn’t looking).
Brian: Yeah.
I grabbed Brian’s hand and walked up to the VIP booth where Jay, Nikki, and the rest of their entourage was sitting. A bouncer put his hand up to stop me, but I waved it away saying “No, I know Jay. You can let me in.”
The bouncer continued to look unsure until Jay came over, saying “It’s ok. You can let them in.”
I walked by the bouncer to be brushed to the side by Jay. He walked past me and hugged Brian.
Jay: Hey man, how are you feeling?
OMG. It dawned on me then that Jay really did think that Brian was from the Make-A-Wish foundation. Brian had short hair and with his pale palor did look a bit like a cancer patient.
Brian: Hey man, I’m good. How are you? Oh, hi Nikki!
Nikki stood behind Jay, waving excitedly. She was so pretty and seemingly friendly that I stared at her, trying to figure out how she could have ever dated Bobcat Goldwaith.
There is no moral to this story other than it was fun meeting Jay. Brian and I honestly contemplated sending him updates on Brian’s health, but then decided that we already had enough in our past that would guarantee us a seat in hell that we didn’t need to add to it.