Sideways

For my friend Keith's birthday, his wife Tina arranged a wine tasting trip up in Solvang. My friends Jeff and Pam came along, as did a guy I had recently started dating, Jason. The day was great; I picked up Jason from his place in Ventura, and we drove up the coast, stopping in Santa Barbara for a pre-wine tasting drink to whet our palates (and because we're alcoholics). I like wine tasting but each time they pour a small amount into my glass, I always give the bartender the look of death, and then nudge my glass closer to his bottle. I'm not so much the wine tasting type as I am a wine shooter; I throw back my wine in a single shot. Screw the swirling and smelling, and I'll be damned if I spit it back out...over my dead body will alcohol be leaving my body without some sort of written consent. And you wouldn't think that wine tasting would lead to the drunken debauchery that it did that night. I won't get into the specifics of the evening as I would like to remain friends with the aforementioned people, but I woke up the next morning next to Jason in the hide-a-bed...with no pants...and covered in piss. O...M...mother f'ing...G. It was the first time I had slept in the same bed with Jason, and I didn't want him thinking that if our relationship continued that he would need to invest in plastic sheets.
What was I going to do? I needed to get up and get my pants on, any pair of pants on, before everyone woke up. I heard voices coming from the next room, followed by laughter.
Jeff: Who wets their bed at this age? (Laughter)
Pam: OMG, I don't think I've wet the bed since I was 10 years old. (More laughter)
How did they know that I wet the bed? I must have left evidence in the bathroom. I wrapped a towel around me, and walked into the bathroom to see my wet pants (and only wet in the crotch) lying right in front of the toilet, inside out, with my blue thong underwear prominently displayed. I found my phone in the back pocket which had shorted out so I pulled it apart and laid it on the counter to air out. I needed to confront the situation head on and get it over with so I walked into Pam and Jeff's room.
Sapphire: What are you guys talking about? (my efforts at concealing my guilt were Razzie award winning).
Pam (laughing): I wet the bed last night.
Relief flooded over me.
Sapphire: OMG, I wet the bed too! What are the chances?
Pam: I haven't wet the bed since I was like 10 years old.
Sapphire: I haven't wet the bed since college. This is crazy! What should I do about Jason? He's still asleep.
Pam: Just...blame...him.
Sapphire: Genius. Come with me for moral support.
We walked into the spare room where Jason was just starting to wake up, stretching out in the middle of the bed. I needed to tell him soon so that he had ample time to shower before we left.
Sapphire: Jason, I have something to tell you... you had an accident last night.
Jason: What?
Pam was laughing, and not helping my already poor acting skills.
Sapphire: You...you wet the bed.
Jason: I did? (He starts feeling the sheets)
Sapphire: No! Don't do that! Listen, its nothing to be embarrassed about. People...well, kids... do it all the time.
All of a sudden Jeff rushed into the room.
Jeff: Bro, I can't let you go down like this. Sapphire wet the bed, not you.
Thanks a lot, you bed wetting blocker.
Oddly, Jason didn't find it that odd that I wet the bed in the middle of the night, at 34 years of age... which I almost find more disturbing :)