Out of Africa

My mom lived in Johannesburg, South Africa, for 4 years, and I'm not sure that compassion was ever her strongest suit. Her and her husband Jim joined a country club based solely on the fact that the Africans who drove out in golf carts to retrieve balls on the still active driving range got to wear helmets "unlike other country clubs that aren't that humane." My mom would say this while teeing off and watching an African man dodge golf balls as he scooped up as many as he could put in his pail and drive back to the awaiting golfers. So I wasn't overly surprised at her reaction when we went to Sun City, Africa, and my brother and I went tandem parasailing and had an "incident." You start off running on the ground and then the boat/sail combo would pull you into the air where you would parasail for about five minutes. While waiting for our turn, my brother and I watched this event transpire no less than twenty times. It was people of all ages parasailing: middle aged couples, children, grandparents and infants, all with no problems. Then, it was our turn. My brother and I suited up, and two African men took each side of the sail and started running with us. I had been kidding my brother, who was behind me, that he would not be running fast enough. He warned me not to run too fast and drag him down with him. We started jogging along, and the African men were yelling stuff at us in Africans, which is a form of Dutch. I couldn't understand what they were saying, and frankly I couldn't be bothered...I was about to be in the air parasailing! In hindsight I am assuming that they were telling us to run faster because all of a sudden the rope from the boat yanked us forward. I fell flat on my face, and bounced on the ground and in the water like a skipping stone, my brother sitting squarely on my back. The best part of the whole incident was that my mother was taping it and all you hear her say as we finally ascend into the air was "Oh my God, her dental work." I had just gotten my braces removed, and apparently my mother was much more concerned about the $2K she may have just lost to the orthodontist than the $20K she could be receiving at the African Emergency Room. Needless to say, we were both fine, despite a bruised ego. My brother sent our tape out to blooper shows all over the world, and we have been on Real TV, America's Funniest Home Videos and Fox Sports 'You've Gotta See This!' My friends have seen it so much, that if they do catch it in a rerun they ask if I've received my SAG card yet.